Wrapped up in worries and pain I came, I came through a struggle. My parents fought all during my birth and the doctor told my mom it was either me or her that would live. God chose us both. So I came out the womb full of anger because my mother and father was full of anger. He saw me then and he chose me. Growing up my childhood was quite great until I entered grammar school. Things started to change drastically I went from being happy all the time to depressed. Just like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. I knew nothing about my flaws or things of this world until I was exposed to it. Just like Adam and Eve I to wanted to hide my nakedness with leaves. My mom told me about every single flaw I had. She would “whop” me until I understood because you know “He who spare the rod spoil the child”. I knew my mother loved me I knew she cared for me. She just wasn’t ready to be a mother and didn’t know how to love. So, I figured out what love was for her. I would shower her with gifts! I would visit my dad on the weekends because they got a legal separation when I was 2 years and of course I thought “it was my fault”. I knew that my dad would give me money so I gave my money to my mom. She loved money. I think money put a bandage on a big open wound that was bleeding pain, anger, and hurt from her past. My dad thought he could heal his children wounds by giving us whatever we wanted and overfeeding us because he was hurt that we were hurt. He figured if I could give them what I never had since I couldn’t give them a family everything would be “all good”. It wasn’t all good. See money and things could only fill voids temporarily, I needed love. So I tried so hard to give my mother the love my dad gave me while giving my dad the love my mother gave me. I would give my mother things to try and mend our relationship but I always came second best to her pain. I wasn’t good enough for her. She always made it seem like something was missing from me. I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, clean enough, the list goes on. I just wasn’t enough. I know now I wasn’t enough because she needed the type of love I have now. I am enough for him though, he loves everything about me.
I remember going to church every Sunday and seeing my mom leave a little bit lighter each time. She would have such a big encounter with Jesus but see she didn’t have to much of a personal relationship with him. From my perspective she did what she thought people would wanted. She cared more for the approval of people than she did her relationship with Christ. She carried her hurt to him but didn’t allow him to heal her and make her whole. Sometimes we know religion but we forget about the relationship. We do what the world say is holy without ever going to God for ourselves. So I would watch her imitating what she thought a Christian should be. My mom needed true love from the lord that she never got because she never went deeper than what religion allowed. So on Monday through Saturday she wasn’t a great representation of Christ to me. She was so nice to others but a hell raiser to her children. Honestly this isn’t a bashing my mother session because I love her with all my heart and I honor her because if it wasn’t for her I never would’ve knew of the Lord. She introduced me to him. She just didn’t know the true love of Christ. I actually ran away from God because I said if that’s the God that she serves I don’t want him. Oh but he had other plans for me. I’m also happy to say that my mom has fully changed. She now has a incredible relationship with God. Of course with any relationship it takes a lot of work so that’s what she is doing working on her through Him. This is also how I knew he was the one for me because he mended both of our broken hearts.
God said “I was chosen and not rejected” Isaiah 41:9. No matter how much I ran he ran with me. He was such a gentlemen he allowed me to try new things that he knew wouldn’t fulfill me but he didn’t force himself on me. He waited for me. He pursued me. He got on my level just so I could truly see him. While chasing me he finally spoke up and told me enough was enough. Even though I was baptized at 13 I never knew him. I was at a revival at 19 when I first encountered him for real. We were doing an activity where we had to nail all of our baggage that we wrote down on paper on a cross. Which represented how Christ gave himself freely for us. That’s when I figured out wow Jesus must love me! I remember my nail getting stuck and I had to hammer it so hard until it finally went inside of the cross. imagine a human’s hand being there while a nail is being hammered through it. That’s a pain none of us will ever experience. He took all of that pain for us to be free from bondage. His blood literally washes away our sins. He showed the greatest love because he died for each and every one of us to be new creatures. He didn’t die for us to be the same people with new experiences. Not an upgrade of ourselves. Like how Apple products have an iPhone 6 and the upgrade is the 6s. You never see much of a difference between the phones other than minor changes. This is why God wanted us to be new creatures in him. We surrender to him and he give us a brand new life. We no longer are the same we change from day to night that fast because that’s why Jesus died, for us to be new.
I knew he was the one because no one was ever that patience with me. He waited on me knowing that I would turn my back on him, continue to not trust him, walk away from him, and continue to sin daily. You know he didn’t care he loved me flaws and all. It’s because he created me, what the world see as flaws he beautified them. He is patient with me he know that I sometimes get angry when things don’t go my way but he reassure me with his words that he will never leave me nor forsake me because he is the word. He is never busy. I could call on him in the wee hours of the night and he would be waiting to hear from me. He let’s me know I’m not alone by showing me different people in the bible who been through whatever I was going through at the present moment. He even know the number of hair on my head. What man knows that? I knew he was the one when he took a girl like me and made me worry free. I always took ownership of worries and pain. I thought I would always be a person who worried. I never thought I could have such peace but I do. I never thought I would be free but I am. I was a prisoner of my mind, I was in people bondage. I use to allow people thoughts and opinions to dictate my life. Until I accepted the love of Christ. I knew I found the right one when he gave me what no one on this earth could give me. He gave me him. Jesus Christ gave me his heart. Not a piece of his heart but the whole the thing. He allowed me to love him and he loved me with his whole heart. He died just so I could be free. He reassured me with his promises. He never breaks a promise they always come to pass. Even while I’m going through he lets me know this to shall pass. When Jesus came into my life everything changed for me no my problems didn’t magically go away but my feelings toward the problems did. I could be in the midst of a storm and be filled with joy. That’s because God left me with his Holy Spirit. I will patiently await for the Lord now to come back for me because he waited for me to come to him. Let’s wait on The Lord together let’s allow his perfect will for our lives and we will never be the same.
Stay tuned for Agape love. I will show you during that post what the true meaning of Agape love is. Be blessed I love you all 😘